Is It Too Late to Remind You How We Were
by Kellyyy
Summary: She left Tree Hill and she was pretty sure that would be the end of it; the end of them. But when they get back in touch, they're both confronted with the fact that there'll never really be an end to them. One-Shot. AU after season4. LP.


**Summary: **She left Tree Hill and she was pretty sure that would be the end of it; the end of them. But when they get back in touch, they're both confronted with the fact that there'll never really be an end to them. One-Shot. AU after season4. LP.

**AN: **Hello! I haven't posted anything in a while and this is pretty much the reason why. I've been working on this for like, months now and I'm finally okay with posting it so I hope some of you get to like this! It's an AU after season 4, the rest should be clear :) Flashbacks are as always in italics.

Thank you so much for reading!

(Title and lyrics in the beginning come from _Snow Patrol_'s _You Could Be Happy _and the lyrics in the end from _The National_'s _Terrible Love_.)

* * *

**Is It Too Late to Remind You How We Were?**

_You could be happy and I won't know,  
but you weren't happy the day I watched you go_

"I miss you." He whispers, but he doesn't even know whether she has heard him or not. They're both silent and they're both in bed trying to figure out why they're not lying in the same bed.

Eventually, she answers, "I miss you too."

"How did we become like this, Peyton? We're miles and miles apart and… This is not how I thought we'd be."

She nods, though she knows he can't see her over the phone. "I know."

"Then why don't we change it?"

.

"_I love having you here." Lucas smiles at his fiancée, as he pulls her closer to him. They're all snuggled up in sheets and blankets and each other and he couldn't have been happier. It's cold and raining outside, but inside, lying in his bed with her next to him, everything is perfect._

"_I do too." Peyton replies, reaching up to kiss him. "LA is great, but nothing beats being with you."_

_He laughs lightly, "You've become cheesy."_

"_You've always been cheesy." She replies pointedly and he can only laugh. "Besides, I'm allowed to be cheesy right now. I'm only here for a week."_

"_Do you really have to go back?" Lucas sighs, though he knows the answer._

"_I do. You knew that when you proposed to me, Luke. I want to marry you, I really do, but I want to make my other dreams come true too."_

"_I know, I know. I just wish you'd come back here and we could live together and get married and be…"_

"_Haley and Nathan?" Peyton jokes._

_He lets out some chuckles before answering, "_Happy_."_

_She looks up at him, "We _are_ happy." She says, a small frown on her face._

"_But not together. You live in LA, I live here, it's just…"_

"_You can always come and live in LA with me." She shrugs, but she knows he'll say that he can't. They've talked about this a lot already. He wants her to move back to Tree Hill, she wants him to move to LA. Neither is happening. _

_He just looks at her, a little sadly, and sighs again before looking away._

_She reaches up a hand to his face, making him look at her again. "We _will_ live together, we _will_ get married, but we're only nineteen and when you asked me to marry you, that's _exactly _what I told you."_

_He smiles because really, he can't hold anything against her. She just wants to make her dreams come true, he can't blame her for that. "I know. Long engagement, right?"_

_Peyton smiles back and nods, "Long engagement. Now, are you going to keep being so gloomy or…"_

_Lucas laughs a little, hovering over her before kissing her, "I think I'll stop now."_

_As she reaches up to kiss him again, she murmurs, "I think that's a pretty great idea." _

.

"Do you still wear your ring?" He asks carefully, scared too. He's been waiting to ask her this ever since he first called her again, but he's always been too scared for the answer. He doesn't think he'll be able to hear a no.

"Luke," She starts softly but she doesn't know how to finish her sentence. She's smoothing some wrinkles in her bed linen, trying to avoid answering, but in the end, she has to, "We broke up."

"Yeah, I know. But do you?" He insists because, for some strange reason, he really needs to hear her say the words.

Peyton sighs, and he can imagine her running a hand over her tired face as her other hand is holding the phone. Eventually, she answers, "No. Not on my finger anymore. I put it on a necklace."

"Really?" He's a little bit surprised, even though he didn't really expect her to throw it away either.

"Yeah. I couldn't have it on my finger anymore, but I couldn't not have it with me either. I'll take it off someday, I guess." She says quietly, playing a little with the engagement ring hanging from her necklace.

"Or you could just put it on your finger again." He offers because the thought of her not wearing his engagement ring anymore is just too much.

"It's not that easy. We broke up, Lucas."

"You left." He counters because really, she did. And it wasn't like he hadn't tried to stop her.

She breathes in deeply, "Right. It's all my fault."

"Peyt, that's not what I'm saying, you know that. I don't want to fight, okay?"

"You never want to fight, Luke. And you never want to talk or listen. If you had, maybe I'd be still in Tree Hill right now."

.

"_I can't believe you actually live here now." Lucas muses when he wakes up and notices his fiancée sitting up in bed, drawing._

"_Hmm," Peyton shrugs, "I got sick of LA, this was really the only place I could go to." She says teasingly, glancing at him from the corner of her eye._

_He laughs because he knows she wants to be there just as much as he wants her to. He leans up to kiss her and she moans a little into the kiss and he thinks he'll be perfectly happy for the rest of his life if he could just wake up like this every day._

"_I think I can get used to this." He says when they break apart and she has to laugh because she doesn't really know if he's talking about the kissing or the waking up next to her._

"_Well, it's a good thing I'm planning on staying then, huh?"_

"_Very, _very _good thing." He agrees, settling down again in bed._

"_It doesn't mean we'll get married tomorrow though, we're still only twenty." She reminds him because as much as she loves him and as much as she wants to marry him, she just doesn't think it's the right time yet._

"_We're closer to twenty-one than to twenty." He replies with a smirk._

_She shakes her head, though she has to laugh too. "Still."_

"_Fine. But we'll get married eventually, right?"_

"_Of course."_

.

"Want to know what I did today?" Peyton asks softly before taking a sip of her cup of tea. She's in bed again, the phone close to her ear, and she's wondering just why she needs this so much.

They broke up almost a year ago and until he called her a week ago, they had barely spoken to each other since their break-up. But now, since he called again, she's having trouble falling asleep without talking to him first.

"What?"

"I put up a Christmas tree."

"All by yourself?"

"All by myself." She says and of course he notices the sadness in her voice. She's not used to putting up Christmas trees by herself, she's never had to. Even when she still lived in LA and he lived in Tree Hill, he'd come over for a few days and they would put up a tree _together_. It's her first Christmas without him, it's his first Christmas without her, and they both think there's something incredibly wrong with that.

"Well, how does it look?" He asks with a little smile, even though it saddens him too.

She sighs audibly before answering, "Awful. It was the hardest thing getting it into my apartment so it looked pretty much demolished when I finally got it upstairs and I don't know, the decorations made it a bit better, but it still doesn't look great."

He smiles involuntarily because it's just so much like her to care so much about the tree, "Come on, I'm sure it looks great."

"It doesn't, Luke." She insists because really, it doesn't. "I want a beautiful tree. Like the ones we used to put up together. I want a beautiful tree and I want an amazing Christmas and to be honest, I don't know how I'll get that without you." She's being completely honest with him and she doesn't know if that's such a good idea, but it doesn't matter because she just _has_ to.

"Come home." He answers and for once, he hopes she'll agree with him. He's sick of not being with her and he knows she is too. It's not supposed to be like this, they both know that.

"I can't. It's not that simple."

"It is." He urges. "It is, Peyton."

She stays silent, because she just really doesn't know what to answer.

"I love you, Peyton. Just come home." Lucas says again and she has to bite her lip to keep her from crying.

"There's a reason I left, Lucas. We can't just erase everything."

.

"_How was your day?" Lucas asks when Peyton makes her way into their bedroom. He's already in bed, reading a book. _

_Peyton, being busy with her new job, has just come home. "Good." She smiles, a little hesitantly he thinks, but he smiles too._

"_You know that if you need my help with anything, you just have to say it and I'll be there." He reminds her, just like he has been doing for the past few weeks._

_She's starting her very own record label and he's so proud of her. This is what he always wanted for them; engaged, both having their own careers, living an happy life together. All the waiting and the longing when she still lived in LA definitely seems worth it now._

_He goes on about the label and his basketball practices, he's coach of the Tree Hill Ravens now, and the writing he's been doing lately and how they should maybe start planning a little for their wedding, but Peyton's been uncharacteristically quiet, a little off into her own space seemingly._

"_Peyt?" He asks with a small chuckle as she settles next to him in bed._

"_What?"_

"_Everything okay? You seem a little absentminded."_

_She smiles and gives him a quick kiss, "I'm fine."_

"_You sure?"_

"_Yeah." Peyton nods, but there this glint in her eyes that makes him think otherwise. And she's biting her lip as if she's contemplating telling him something or not and he definitely knows there's something up. "Actually, there is something I need to tell you." She says eventually, that hesitant tone in her voice again._

"_As long as you're not blowing off the engagement." He jokes and she can't help but smile because he knows all too well that she wouldn't do that._

"_I'm not." She says, laughing a little. "It's um… I know we didn't plan this, it's not supposed to happen now already but…" He looks at her all expectedly and he thinks he knows what she's about to say but he needs her to say the words before he'll believe her. "I'm pregnant, Luke. We're pregnant."_

_A smile breaks out on his face and she knows he's happy with it and as he hugs her oh-so tightly, she has trouble trying to remember why she was so hesitant to tell him._

"_We're pregnant?" He asks, just to be sure, while he holds her face between his hands and she thinks she can see a tear in the corner of his eye._

_She nods, fully smiling now too, "We're pregnant."_

"_God, I love you." He breathes out before pulling her closer and kissing her passionately, in that big kind of way that only happens when _big _things happen._

_Eventually, they settle down in bed, Peyton's head resting on his chest, both wearing absolutely happy smiles._

"_You know," Lucas starts after a while, "I thought we'd be married when we got our first baby."_

_She laughs and simply reminds him that there's still time enough to get married._

"_So we can get married before we actually have our first baby?" He asks with a grin, though he thinks he knows the answer._

"_No, we can't. I'm not walking down the aisle all swollen feet and big belly."_

"_You'd still look amazing though."_

"_Charming." Peyton laughs, looking up at him. He's about to say something else and she can already guess what so she's quick to cut him off, "And no, we're not telling our friends and family yet either."_

"_Why not?" He asks, just a little bit of a pout on his face._

"_Because it's only been a few weeks and I don't know, I just want to wait."_

"_Okay." Lucas smiles as he leans down to kiss his gorgeous fiancée again._

.

"Haley's pregnant again." Lucas says, though he doesn't really know why. He figures she already knows because he knows she's still in touch with Nathan and Haley. But still, he tells her, because he somehow wants to hear her reaction on it.

She's silent for a very long time, too long a time he thinks, but eventually she answers. She always answers. "I know. Haley told me. She sounded amazingly happy."

"She is." He nods. "They both are. You know how it feels, right?" The words are out of his mouth before he really knows what he's saying and he wishes he could take them back, but it's too late of course.

She's a little bit mad at him for just throwing that out there, but mostly, she's just sad and there's nothing more she wants to do than go to sleep and not having to think about him and everything they ever went through. She has to close her eyes for a moment, but a few tears slip down her cheek anyway.

"Yeah, I do. We both do, right?"

.

"_We'll get through this, okay? We'll be fine." He assures her, over and over again. They're lying in bed and she's holding onto him as if her life depends on it. She's silent, but he knows she's crying and all he wants is to simply take away her pain._

_To go back into time and make sure this horrible day never happened._

"_And what if we don't?" Peyton says after a while. Her voice is hoarse and she sounds so broken and it's probably the first thing she has said since she had to tell him she lost their baby._

"_We will." Lucas answers, because really, what can he say? He doesn't know what's going to happen, but he knows that he loves her and he somehow thinks that will be enough. He hopes that's enough._

_She shakes her head a little against his chest, "You don't know that." She insists and when he doesn't immediately say anything she knows he doesn't know what'll happen now either. "I'm sorry." _

"_Hey, don't apologize, okay? This is _not _your fault." He's quick to say and even sits up in bed, startling her._

_He reaches out a hand, wiping away those tears that just don't stop falling down her cheeks._

"_I know." She whispers brokenly. "I'm still sorry."_

"_Yeah, I'm sorry too."_

.

"Remember last Christmas?" Peyton asks softly, and there's almost a smile on her face.

They've been on the phone for almost an hour, talking about nothing and everything at the same time. She's missed this. She's missed ending her days with him, talking about the silliest or sometimes most important things.

She doesn't know what's going to happen with them, she doesn't know if they're getting back together or not, but just the simple fact of hearing his voice at the end of her day makes her feel just a little more at peace with the life she's living right now.

He smiles over the phone and of course he knows she can't see him, but he has a feeling that she knows he's smiling. "Of course. Everything was pretty perfect."

"Yeah…" She sighs. "I still don't know how Brooke figured out I was pregnant."

"She's your best friend, she knows you too well." He says, a light chuckles escaping his lips. "She's taking good care of you, right?" Lucas asks then, a little worriedly.

"I'm a grown-up woman, Lucas. I don't need her to take care of me."

"But is she?" He insists.

"Yeah, she is. She's been wonderful."

He lets out a sigh, a little involuntarily, but then again, he thinks she's allowed to know that he worries about her. "Good. That's good."

"Good?" Peyton asks, though she knows why he's saying it.

"Yeah, good." Lucas replies. "If you're not in Tree Hill, I'd want you to be in New York with Brooke, with someone who cares almost as much about you as I do."

"Almost?"

"There's no one who loves you like I do, Peyt."

.

"_Are you leaving already?" Peyton asks, a little sleepily, from her spot in the bed._

_He looks at her, startled, surprised that she's awake. "Yeah, early practice."_

_She nods, even though she's disappointed that he has to leave. They've barely seen each other lately, both being busy, and it feels so wrong to her. Especially after what happened. They should see each other more, be there for each other more. She's getting the feeling that he doesn't want to._

"_Oh." She says, lacking other words. He only nods and gets back at dressing himself. After a few minutes she clears her throat, a little nervously. She doesn't like sounding the way she knows she'll sound when she asks her question. "When did you get home last night? I didn't hear you…"_

_He sighs a little and he thinks she hasn't noticed but she has. "Late. I went to the River Court."_

"_Okay. Have a nice day." Peyton answers, a small smile around her lips. She lies back down in bed, turning her back to him and closing her eyes, trying to stop her heart from breaking a little._

.

"How's Lily?" Peyton asks one night. She misses that girl so much; it seems surreal that she's only heard her a couple of times since she left Tree Hill almost a year ago.

"Good." Lucas answers, and it's not hard for Peyton to hear the smile in his voice. "She's getting big, you know."

"Yeah, I can imagine that." She smiles as well. She can't help but think back to the day Karen and Andy had moved back to town, having decided to settle down for a bit and letting Lily go to school in Tree Hill. The little girl had been so glad to see her big brother and Peyton again, she'd been following them around for the whole first week she'd been back. "I miss her." Peyton says after a while, when it stays silent on the other end of the line.

Lucas nods, "She misses you too, Peyt. She's not the only one."

She's not sure if he simply means himself or if he's talking about the other people in Tree Hill as well. She certainly misses them though; she misses all of it.

When she left Tree Hill for New York she'd only been thinking about her and Lucas and how she couldn't handle it any longer. She'd never really given much thought to all the other things she would leave behind as well.

But Tree Hill's her home and the more time she spends in New York, the more she realizes it will always be and no other city or town will ever get close to replacing it.

.

"_What's going on?" Lucas asks as he walks into their bedroom, Peyton sitting on the edge of the bed._

_She looks up at him and he can tell she's been crying, but she puts up a smile and shakes her head. "Nothing. Just thinking."_

"_About?"_

"_Lots of things. You, me, the baby." She says and it's the first time in quite a while that she actually admits that to him. They'd stopped talking about, but that didn't mean she'd stopped thinking about it._

"_What's there to think about?" He asks while he's getting ready for bed and he seems tired, but she's suddenly so very angry at him and she doesn't care one bit whether he wants to sleep or not._

"_What's there to think about?" Peyton replies, her eyes cold, as she stands up from the bed. "What's there _not _to think about, Lucas?" She almost yells, because she's just so sick of them pretending there's nothing going on._

"_I thought we were moving past this." He mumbles, though he doesn't know why, because he's certainly not yet moving past it. There's not been a single day since it happened that he hasn't thought about it or grieved over it. It's on his mind constantly and she's been on his mind constantly, but for some reason, he can't let her know that._

"_Past it? It's been _six _weeks! Six! You know, I would've been four months along now. Our friends and family would've known by now, we would be thinking about the nursery and a name. I'm not moving past it yet, Lucas, and I can't understand for the life of me why you are acting so indifferently."_

_A tear slips down her cheek and she wipes it away angrily, because it's not the time for crying. She's angry and she wants him to know it. He's been avoiding her for the last few weeks and she doesn't know why, because there's never been a time she's needed him more. She thought it'd be the same for him._

"_I'm not indifferent!" He argues and they're standing so close to each other, but their eyes hold none of the emotions they usually carry. "I just don't think we should dwell on this any longer than necessary."_

"_You are such a jerk." She whispers, stepping away from him. "I'm not dwelling on this. We lost a baby, Luke. And I know I wasn't that far along and I know it was still small, but that doesn't mean it didn't mean a lot to me. It's gone now and I feel empty and I don't know what to do because we stopped talking about it and you started leaving the house early and coming home late and… I'm not _dwelling _on this. I'm just trying to handle it." She's so very close to breaking down in sobs, but she bites her lip furiously, refusing to let her tears escape._

_He breathes in deeply, trying to figure out what to say. He knows she's right, he knows he's been acting in all the wrong ways, but he's completely lost on how to make things right. "Look, it's been a long day, can we just… Can we talk about this some other time?"_

_She sighs, because why should she have expected anything else. It saddens her, this is not the Lucas she used to know. He's changed and she tries so desperately to find something in his face that reminds her of the old one, but she fails._

_Eventually, she answers, "Sure. Goodnight." And then she leaves their bedroom._

.

"It feels weird," Peyton muses one evening, a glass of red wine in one hand, the phone in the other.

"What does?" Lucas asks from the other end of the line.

She wants to answer, but she hesitates for a moment. She wants to tell him, she does, but she knows what he will answer and to be completely honest, she's getting sick of him telling her to simply come home. He misses her, and she misses him, but she can't simply come home and act as if nothing ever happened. She left for a reason and that reason still very much exists.

Eventually, she answers anyway, "Running Red Bedroom from New York. It was always meant to be run from Tree Hill. It's difficult and it doesn't feel right."

"There's a solution for that problem." He says and she has to sigh because indeed, she did know what he would answer.

"I'm not coming back to Tree Hill, Lucas."

Lucas takes a deep breath before he answers. He doesn't understand why she so stubbornly insists on staying in New York. They call each other practically every evening, it's pretty clear that neither one of them is happy without the other, yet she refuses to listen to him every time he mentions her coming back home.

"Why not?" He asks. "We can figure out all the baby stuff, we can work this all out. I know we can."

Peyton closes her eyes, thinking about what to say next. "It's not about the baby anymore, Luke. Losing the baby was difficult, but I got past it. It's about how we reacted to the whole situation; how we reacted to each other. How did we think we could get married when we couldn't deal with something like this? So it's not just about the baby, it's about how we simply stopped connecting and I can't just get over that and come back. It's not that simple."

"Why not?" Lucas repeats himself. "You keep saying it's not that simple, but it is. Coming back is just as simple as leaving was." He regrets his words as soon as he's said them and he wants to take them back, but he knows she won't let this slide.

"As simple as leaving? You think leaving was easy? You think it didn't break my heart? It did, Lucas. Believe me, it did." The grip on her glass of wine is so tight she thinks she might break it, but she's having trouble calming down. "Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever did, but I had to, and you don't have the right to tell me it was simple and easy."

"That's not what I meant, okay! I-"

"That's exactly what you meant! I know you blame me for leaving and giving up on our relationship but there was a _reason _I did it, Lucas!" She's practically yelling now and she's close to just hang up the phone because she's so sick of it all, but she can't.

Lucas sighs, a little too loudly maybe, "Why are we always having these conversations over the phone?" He asks.

She's silent for a long time before she answers, "Because you never wanted to have them when I was still in Tree Hill."

.

_She wakes up in the middle of the night to an empty and cold bed. He's not lying next to her anymore and when she notices the soft light in the hallway, coming from their living room, she decides to get up too._

_He's sitting on the sofa when Peyton enters the living room and she doesn't think he has noticed her. She takes a seat next to him and his hand immediately gravitates towards hers, as if all he really needs in that moment is holding her hand. He intertwines their fingers and she's almost crying because, god it's been so long since she's received a simple gesture like that._

"_Why are you sitting here?" She asks softly, resting her lips against his shoulder._

_She feels him shrugging his shoulders and it's a while before he answers, "I couldn't sleep."_

_Peyton only nods her head and they fall silent, but it's okay. It even feels somewhat nice after weeks of pulling away from each other._

"_We're becoming strangers, Lucas."_

_She's afraid to break the silence, but she has too because she can't keep this in any longer. It's her biggest fear and she doesn't know what to do anymore. _

"_Peyton… We're not, we'll be okay."_

_It seems a little like he's just brushing off her comment and she doesn't know if she should feel sad or angry. Every time she tries to talk to him, to tell him how she feels and tell him how much she hates them being this way with each other, he acts like there's nothing going on. But then nights like this happen and she finds him in the living room, just staring ahead of him, and she can't believe he actually insists that everything's fine._

"_We _are_." She answers. "We don't talk, we barely see each other and… I don't know how to deal with this, Lucas." _

_He turns to her, lifting a hand to her face and wiping away the tear that's slowly making its way down her cheek. "We're not." He insists softly, pulling her closer and kissing her in a way she hasn't been used to lately._

_He leads her back to their bedroom and they make love, but it doesn't feel right at all. It's a desperate attempt to make things right between them, to make the bad things go away, but they both know sex won't fix their problems._

_She cries silently when she knows he's fallen asleep and there's only one thought circling in her head,_

Yeah, they're becoming strangers.

.

"I used to have so many dreams, you know?" Her voice is hesitant, as if she doesn't really know whether she should share this with him or not. "So many plans, I guess."

"Such as?"

"Red Bedroom. Maybe something more with my art. A peaceful life, kids," She stops then because she's about to say 'you', but she doesn't know if she should. Eventually she decides that she should, "Most of all, I thought I'd be growing old with you."

She can hear him taking a deep breath and she wonders if maybe she's said too much.

"You have Red Bedroom." He says after a while. "You made that happen."

Peyton sighs, "Yeah, but it's not what I thought it'd be."

"Well, there's still time to do something with your art. And to get kids and that peaceful life, and really, everything you want, Peyton. You're still destined for greatness."

She lets out a small laugh, but she's close to tears too. "You can't say stuff like that, Luke. Not anymore. I don't believe it anymore."

"Which is yet another reason why I should keep saying it." He's quick to answer because really, he doesn't want her to ever forget it.

"Yeah, maybe…" She says then, though she's doesn't think that'll work at all. "What about you?"

"What about me? Dreams and plans, you mean?" Lucas asks and he sounds so confused that Peyton has to laugh.

"Yeah, dreams and plans. Is that such a weird concept for you?" She asks with a laugh.

He laughs a little as well, "No. I just wasn't exactly clear on what you meant." He defends himself.

"Sure." She laughs. "So what about them?"

"I don't know. Write books, coach basketball." He says and she can imagine him shrugging a shoulder. "Being with you."

"Our dreams suck." Peyton says after a while because she doesn't want to acknowledge the big pink elephant between the two of them.

"Yeah. And we both screwed up a bit, didn't we?"

She smiles, "Well, you're still writing and coaching, aren't you?"

"Actually, I only started writing again a few weeks ago. I stopped for a while after you left." He admitted. After Peyton had left Tree Hill, things had gone slightly dark and writing had honestly been the last thing on his mind.

"I'm sorry." She replies, not really knowing what else to say.

"Don't apologize, I know whose fault it all is."

"That's not true, I – I've made mistakes too."

He laughs, but really, it's not that funny. "Such as? You tried and tried, but I was too stubborn and I don't even know why. You were right to leave."

They stay silent for a very long time after that until Peyton finally answers, "Yeah, maybe I was."

Because as much as she's missed him ever since she left, she's sure that staying there would've only made things worse.

.

_Peyton gets home from work early one day and starts making them dinner while she waits for him to get home as well. It's been a long while since they properly sat down together; dinner these days always seems rushed. Too rushed._

_Dinner's almost ready so she sets the table and she lights a couple of candles and then she waits. And waits, and waits._

_After three hours of waiting she blows out the candles and leaves the house. When she gets back he's waiting for her at the still set dinner table._

"_Where were you? I was worried." He asks when she walks in._

_Her look is hard as she sets down her bag and sighs. "Welcome to my world. You could've at least picked up your phone, Lucas."_

_He stands up and walks closer to her, reaching out for her hand. "I'm sorry, babe. I was at the River court, I forgot to call."_

_Peyton nods because well, what else can she do? "Sure." She reaches up to kiss him on the cheek, "Night, Luke."_

"_Peyton," He starts but she's already disappeared into the bathroom before he can say more._

_She's in the shower when she realizes she can't do it anymore. It's exhausting and she literally doesn't know anymore what else to do. They don't talk, they're barely interested in each other and she has to wonder if it's always been this way. At this point, she doesn't even think it's about the miscarriage any longer. It seems to be about much more, about what they are as a couple, about the core of their relationship and it saddens her in ways she can't explain that this is what they've become._

_She's always thought they'd be so much more._

.

"I can't do this any longer, Peyton." He says it quietly, but there's a determination in his voice that makes her wonder what the next step will be.

"What do you mean?"

She can hear him breathing in deeply before he speaks, "It's almost been a year and it still doesn't make any sense. I still don't think we're supposed to be apart and the last few weeks have done all but proving me that we should."

Peyton nods because she agrees, but at the same time she's not forgotten why she left. "So what's the plan? Forget everything and go back to how things were?" There's a hint of sarcasm in her voice because that's the last thing she wants and she's sure he picked up on that.

"No. Plan is that either you come back here or I come to you and we figure this out." Lucas says and he sounds so sure of himself that she can't help but smile a little. It's the first time since everything went downhill that he actually sounds as if he would do no matter what to get them to work everything out.

"Do you really think we can figure it all out? I left because I couldn't handle it anymore, because, after we lost our baby and we became… whatever it is we became, I just didn't see a future anymore for us. And ever since I left I've been really trying to convince myself that that was the right decision, but now…" She pauses for a moment, weighing her words. It's all too important for her to mess it up by not expressing herself in the right way. "I don't think we're supposed to be apart either, but I can't come back to more heartache. I just cannot come back to Tree Hill just to realize that there's no chance of ever getting you back."

"There's still a chance, Peyton. There will always be one."

.

"_What are you doing?" He sounds confused and his voice is shrill in the silent room. She turns around, away from the bags she's packing and towards him. Her face is tear-stained and she wishes so badly that there'd be a painless way to do this._

"_Packing." Peyton answers, stating the obvious._

_He sighs and sits down on the bed, "I can see that. Why?"_

"_I'm leaving for New York. I called Brooke already."_

"Why_?" He repeats, running a hand over his face._

"_You know why. There's no point in staying here. It'll only hurt more." He thinks she sounds cold and distant, but he knows he can't blame her. He knows all too well that he's been the one to act cold and distant way more than she has._

_Lucas nods then, trying to understand what all of this means. "So you'll be staying with Brooke then?"_

"_Until I figure out what to do, yes." Peyton says and then walks out of their room and into the bathroom, picking up the last of her stuff there._

_He stands up as well, "You don't have to leave, Peyton. We can make this work again, you don't have to go. We'll work on it, we'll talk about it, _we'll figure this out_." He tries to grab her arm, but she's too quick and walks away from him. He sighs desperately; he can't have her leave him but his mind blanks on how to make her stop. _

"_We won't." She simply answers. "I've tried talking about it, but you never want to listen. Hell, I've tried fighting about it, Lucas, but whenever I ask for a confrontation you walk away from it. I get it, you don't want to talk about it, it's okay. But not wanting to talk and not wanting to figure things out comes with a price. This is it; we're over." She zips up the last of her bags and she's ready to leave when he grabs her hand and makes her face him,_

"_We are _not _over. We'll never be, you know that just as well as I do. Yes, I screwed up, I didn't want to talk and I thought this would all just pass, but I love you, okay? We'll talk now, okay? I'm ready to talk now. Don't leave." He desperately tries to talk her into staying, but she simply pulls her hand out of his grasp and walks away from him._

_He knows he was in the wrong, he knows it all too well, but he's willing to make a change, right? He just wants her to see that he knows he was wrong, that he does want to work on their relationship and that he loves her and that he simply can't have her leave him. But it seems as if he could be screaming it to the world and she still wouldn't be listening._

"_Peyton," He calls out, "don't leave. Please. If you walk through that door right now, you'll-"_

"_Loose you?" She fills in. "I think I lost you already, Lucas. I think I lost you the same day I lost the baby." She wipes away a few tears on her cheeks and it's only then that he sees just how much this is hurting her as well._

_He strides closer to her, taking her face in his hands and pleading with his eyes for her not to leave, "You haven't. You could never. Just, _please_, stay."_

"_I can't." Peyton's voice breaks as she says the words and when she takes his hands in hers and removes them from her face he knows he's lost. He can't make her stop. "I'm sorry, Luke." She whispers before turning away from him and leaving the room._

_Long after she's gone he realizes that she hadn't said 'I love you' once in that whole conversation. He wonders if she simply stopped._

.

"You got anything to do next Monday?" Lucas asks one evening.

She thinks for a second before answering, "Work. But no appointments or anything. Why?"

"Because I'm about to book a flight to New York City for Sunday evening." He simply answers, as if it's the most normal thing in the world.

"Are you being serious?"

"Yes. I told you I can't keep doing this." He tells her and though she knows that, she's surprised nonetheless. Back when she was still in Tree Hill, he didn't want to talk to her at all and now, he's about to fly out to New York to finally work things out. She knows he loves her, but somehow it doesn't really add up in her mind. "Is that okay for you?" He asks when she stays silent.

His voice makes her snap out of her thoughts, "Um, yeah sure. I'm just surprised, that's all." Peyton says and lets herself smile a little when she realizes he's actually coming to see her.

"Well, you still have almost a week to get used to the idea."

She lets out a few chuckles, "Yeah, I actually think I'll need it. It's been really long, Luke."

"I know." He nods, running a hand over his face and thinking that yes, he really does know. It's been the longest year of his whole life. "We'll work it out, Peyt. We will."

.

_Her breath hitches in her throat when she sees that oh-so familiar name on the screen of her phone. It's been months since she's last heard from him and god, she'd love to hear his voice again, but she's also scared. Maybe she shouldn't pick up, maybe that'd be best, but she does so anyway._

"_Hello?" She curses herself for her quivering voice, but she honestly can't help it._

"_Peyton?" He asks and he sounds so relieved that she actually picked up. "It's, um, it's me."_

_She smiles through her nerves; she's missed that voice. "Yeah, hi."_

"_Hey." He replies and then it stays silent as they both try to figure out what to say. Peyton assumes that he will talk first, that he actually has something to say, since he was the one to call, but when he stays quiet, she's the one who speaks up._

"_So… Why are you calling, Luke?" _

_She can hear him breathe in sharply before he answers, "I… I don't know. I just realized it's been like, eleven months since you left and I don't even know how you're doing and yeah, I just think there's something really wrong with that."_

_Peyton can't help but smile just a little, because yeah, she's been thinking the same thing._

.

They meet at a small coffee shop in New York City the morning after Lucas arrives.

Peyton's there first so she settles herself at a table with a book and waits. He's running late, but she doesn't really mind. She likes sitting quietly at those coffee shops in the morning. She somehow likes to see the rush of the morning pass by while she has the time to quietly wake up.

This morning in particular, it also gives her more time to prepare for seeing Lucas again after so long.

She's been there for almost half an hour when he comes walking in, a little out of breath,

"I'm _so _sorry!" Lucas says while making his way towards the table Peyton's sitting at. She gets up to meet him and she wants to tell him it's fine, but she's not quick enough. "It took me like twenty minutes to get a cab in the first place and then somehow the cab driver got lost, and I mean, you'd think a cab driver knows his way around the city but no, apparently this one didn't and well, sorry I'm late." He finishes, trying to catch his breath.

Peyton smiles, it's still cute how he starts rambling when he's nervous. "It's okay, I didn't mind the wait." She says, still smiling, and she wants to reach out to him so badly because god, she's missed him, but she's too nervous to actually do something.

Eventually, he's the one who reaches out. "Come here, you." He almost whispers, pulling her close to him and it takes a while before they both let go of each other. Even then, he has trouble to really do so. His hands are still on her arms as they look at each other and it's just been _so _long since they last saw each other that he can't help but keep his eyes locked with hers. "I missed you."

"I missed you too, Luke." She says, whispering a little because somehow it feels too big to say it louder. "I'm glad you came."

They both order some coffee and take a seat at the table. It's silent for a while, both nursing their coffees and both trying to figure out the best way to start this whole conversation.

Peyton smiles up at him eventually, "So, pretty weird facing each other again after so long a time of only phone calls, huh?"

"Yeah, I'd gotten used to only hearing your voice." He says with a light chuckle. "I've um, I've thought about what I'd say right now so much and I'd actually prepared some sort of talk but –"

"If you've prepared a talk I'd be more than glad to hear it." Peyton laughs a little. "Come on."

Lucas shakes his head; he should've known she'd be amused by this. "It's embarrassing and it's really bad. I actually don't think I'd get you back with it."

She raises her eyebrows, as if she doesn't believe that he'd come up with a bad speech and challenging him to start talking anyway, but he just shakes his head again.

"I don't know what to say, I don't know how to make it right, and I'm pretty sure my 'speech' would reflect that."

"It's not about you having to make things right, Luke. It's just, I think we should just try and talk about it?" She says softly because even though he's made clear that he _wants _to talk about everything, she's afraid it'll just end in nothing again.

He smiles at her, "That's probably the best idea, yeah. Where do we start?"

"At the beginning."

.

"It just surprised me, you know?" Peyton says, pursing her lips a little. They've been walking through Central Park for a while now, each nursing a cup of coffee. It's been two days since they met up at the coffee shop and though it felt good to both of them to finally be talking about all of it, they'd also needed some time to think about it so when they had left the coffee shop they had agreed to meet up again in Central Park two days later.

"What do you mean?"

"We just always seemed to get each other, you know? Like throughout the whole of our relationship, I always felt like you completely understood me, and that I understood you. And then suddenly, I couldn't get you at all." She explains. "I couldn't get the way you were dealing with all of it and I wondered whether that was my fault or if you were just acting irrationally and I simply couldn't figure it out."

Lucas nods, "Yeah, I get that."

"So then I started wondering what would happen if we just went on with everything and got married. I didn't think I could marry you when apparently, I didn't understand you at all. And I couldn't talk to you and I just really didn't know how to handle it so… Leaving seemed like the best option at the time." She looked down after she stopped talking, focusing on the ground beneath her as they walked on.

Suddenly, Lucas takes hold of her hand and stops walking. She spins around and faces him, smiling a little.

"Do you think that if I hadn't been so stubborn and if I hadn't insisted on just moving on that we could've worked it out?" He asks, looking into her eyes.

Peyton bites her lip, "I don't know, Luke. I don't think you should blame yourself for all of it. Maybe I simply expected too much, I don't know." She shrugs. "But yeah, I do wish you would've talked to me more. You just seemed to be over losing the baby very quickly and then I started feeling bad for still dealing with it and not having closed that chapter yet," She says and she can't help but notice his face falling as she says it. She knows it's killing him to hear her says these things, but she also knows that if they want this to work again, they both have to be honest with each other. "and when you started pulling away, I just got so confused. Eventually, it was just easier to pull away too."

He looks down, brushing his thumb over her ring finger. "I'm _so _sorry."

"So am I. We both should've tried more, I don't want you to think you're the only one at fault here."

"But I am." He insists.

"You're not." She says, tugging at his hand to make him look up at her. "You're not, okay?"

Lucas looks at her and nods slowly, even though she knows he doesn't agree with her. "I miss seeing that ring on your finger, you know?" He says then, her hand still in his.

She smiles a little, suddenly very much aware of the necklace around her neck. "Yeah, I do too."

.

"I was afraid." Lucas admits one day over lunch. He'd picked Peyton up at her office and took her out to lunch. She'd told him she didn't have a whole lot of time, but he'd take anything she'd offer. She almost has to leave, but he's been thinking on how to tell her what had been going on in his mind months ago and he thinks that if he doesn't explain it to her right now, he never will.

"What?" Peyton asks, looking up at him.

"Back when you were still in Tree Hill." He explains. "I was afraid of facing things, of having to deal with stuff. It was easier to avoid it all, you know? God, I thought it'd be so much easier just not to talk or to feel. And I guess I didn't want to burden you with my thoughts on top of yours."

"You could never be a burden, Luke." She tells him and he's honestly amazed at how easily she's taking it all in.

"Well, I thought I could. Anyway, I didn't realize I was making it so hard on you by actually trying to make it easier."

Peyton nods, a small smile on her face, before she tells him that she has to go but that she's really happy he's finally telling her what he couldn't back then.

.

"Do you think you could come back to Tree Hill?" Lucas asks as he stands next to her in the kitchen of her small apartment, chopping vegetables for the pasta they're making. "I mean, not right away, but like, in the future."

She glances sideways at him, smiling because she'd been wondering when he would ask her that question. After almost three weeks of coffee dates and walks through the city, even dinner dates and catching a movie, it'd surprised her that he hadn't asked her a single thing about coming back to Tree Hill.

She nods slowly, "Yeah, I think that's a possibility."

"Really?"

"Why are you so surprised? I love you, you know that." She says it so matter-of-factly, as if it's the most natural thing in the world, and he has to put down his knife because he's convinced he can't think straight anymore now and he might just cut off a finger.

"Actually," Lucas starts, but he doesn't get farther than that.

Peyton turns towards him, "What, you don't know that? You think I don't?"

"I didn't know what you felt. You left. And I tried to stop you, but I just couldn't so then I thought you simply might've stopped loving me."

"I didn't leave because I didn't love you anymore, Luke. God, I wish it had been that simple. I never stopped loving you." As she says it, his eyes flicker towards her still empty ring finger. She runs her hand through her hair as if to conceal it. "I never would have spent so much time on the phone with you if I didn't love you anymore, I wouldn't have let you come all the way to New York. Of course I love you."

His smile is big, and for the first time since very long she thinks he looks happy again. It's the first time since everything fell apart that they both truly feel as if everything might just turn out to be okay.

"I love you too." He says then and she simply smiles when she tells him that she knows.

.

It's been exactly four weeks since his arrival in New York City and he is one hundred percent sure that his decision to fly down there was the best one he ever made.

They spent a lot of time together in the city and even though their talks were hard at times, Peyton now knows why he reacted the way he did and Lucas knows why she eventually left him and Tree Hill. They've both promised each other not to make the same mistakes again and always, _always_ be honest with each other.

Lucas's waiting for her at the door of her apartment building to go out for dinner. When she appears, he smiles at her and reaches for her left hand.

He intertwines their fingers and then suddenly looks down, "You're wearing your ring." He states, not quite believing it.

She smiles up at him and pulls him closer with the hand that's linked with his, "Yeah, I am." Her smile is small, but there's a twinkle in her eyes when she reaches up and presses her lips to his. His other hand moves to the back of her neck, getting tangled in her loose curls.

When they break apart, Peyton looks up at him and he swears he still falls a little more for her every day.

"We're getting married someday, Lucas Scott." She simply says and he can only tell her that yes, they are.

.

"_Peyton Sawyer will become Peyton Scott_." Peyton reads from a slip of paper, a smile on her face. "That's pretty cute, Luke. I wish I'd know back then about your little crush." She laughs, looking up at him from her spot in the bed.

She's been back for a few weeks now and she feels happy; at peace with herself and her life and it's been really long since she felt that way. It didn't take long for her to get Red Bedroom Records running again in Tree Hill and her relationship with Lucas seemed to be again like it used to be before; only better now.

It's Sunday morning and they're in bed, not having anything to do for the whole day, and Lucas has just shown her the predictions he used to make with Haley. He didn't really know why he wanted her to see them, but he felt like it so he showed her.

"Little crush?" He exclaims incredulously, but there's a hint of a smile on his face. "Excuse me, but I am currently _engaged _to that little crush."

She smiles, her eyes flying down to the ring on her finger. "Yeah, you have a point there. Pretty great work, you know, getting yourself engaged to your high school crush."

Lucas laughs, "I know. But I've got to admit, I got really lucky with the girl." He muses.

Peyton moves closer to him, locking eyes. "If it wasn't for you we would probably still be calling each other every night instead of simply be together, you know that, right?" She tells him. "You're not the only one who got really lucky."

He can't help but smile, because god, he loves this girl, and pulls her closer, his hand at the back of her neck as he kisses her. "You know, I actually really liked those phone calls. I mean, I'd prefer having you here any time, but I don't know, those phone calls made it easier to fall asleep at night."

She reaches up to kiss him again and she smiles a little into the kiss, because this life and this man is pretty much all she's ever wanted. "Yeah, they helped me too."

_And I can't fall asleep without a little help_


End file.
